Friday, October 26, 2007

Botox or Bangs?

Okay, I have a confession to make. I just re-posted the last post. Meaning, I had posted it a little while back, but I chickened out and took it offline. Why? It seemed crass or something. And I didn't want to risk hurting any feelings. Phew. Feel better now.

Anyway, I just noticed that in that post I talked about making a mistake at the age of "41." I am 42, and I don't lie about my age. Occasionally, I forget how old I am but I don't lie ever. So maybe I was trying to be super-duper, nerdy accurate to a "T," because when I made the actual mistake in question I was 41. That would be totally like me.

So the big question of the day (yesterday, actually, and posed to my hairstylist, the beautiful and talented Siera) .... should I try Botox on my forehead or just get bangs cut? Neither option appeals to me. But I have big creases in my forehead and I just started noticing them in photos. Sigh. And I thought I would be all fine with aging gracefully.

Other confession is that the dating thing has already been foiled. It's just not in my DNA. So much so that I think I will have to forgo the MUCH discussed and highly anticipated rendezvous with the hot 30-year-old. Sorry, girls. I know, I know.


Thursday, October 11, 2007

Sexagesimal, Dating, and Six-Pack Abs

We have way too much fun at work. Everyone says so. Granted, sitting in a cube all day every day would be a sublime form of torture for me if it weren’t for the regular eruptions of witticisms and giggles from the women on the other sides of the partitions. I have never laughed this much at work in my life. None of it translates very well, but one recent winner for funniest moment is a tie between: a) Kerri and I both IMing to each other at the exact same moment, the exact same phonetic spelling of the world sexagesimal (sex-a-jism-al); and b) her reaction (and subsequent actions) to a photo I sent her of a certain incredibly hot guy’s naked torso…

So today was a kind of dating pinnacle for me. I am dating. Yes, that’s right. Me, diehard serial monogamist. I am dating what seems like 18 different men. And half of them were on my computer screen in dueling IM windows this morning. I now know the real reason I’ve never done this dating thing before. I’m simply nowhere near organized enough. You have to stay on top of it and not double-book – all the while making sure you’re being honest and ethical and yet fun and cute. You have to remember to whom you told which story. It’s a lot to manage. Plus, you don’t want any one of them to know about the others, yet you want them to know there ARE others so they don’t mistakenly think you’re exclusive and heading toward a RELATIONSHIP.

There’s also the issue of intimacy. Honestly, even if I’m just having big make-out sessions with someone, it feels completely wrong to be smooching a different mouth a few days later. That must come from the serial monogamist, who is currently bound and gagged down in the dungeon, trying to stage some kind of a stealth revolt.

My friend Cath says I’m in this odd, untouchable yet available place that you can only get to after being very in love and getting very hurt. Suddenly, you attract men like white on rice. It’s kind of sad and screwy.

Think about it. You’re most attractive to the opposite sex when you’re too messed up to care about anyone. They can smell it: She just wants to have fun. She couldn’t fall in love even if Mr. Right lay down in front of her with six-pack abs and a bouquet of lily of the valley. Apparently, broken equals intoxicating.

Last night a bar brawl almost broke out over me. Shut up. I’m not kidding! Well, okay, sort of.

But yes, somehow, I’m meeting guys everywhere I turn. Thank goodness, in a way, because my mother just started in on the and eharmony thing again. She’s very interested in me doing online dating for some reason. Maybe the vicarious thrill. She’s also freaking because one of these men in my current orbit is a 30-year-old waiter (aka aspiring actor, aka REALLY SMOKING HOT). She thinks it’s cause for alarm. I think it’s cause for champagne.

When I think about actually falling for one of these men, and there is only one who has a strange little power over me (which I think may well be due in part to the fact that he doesn’t call), when I go there in my head just for a second, all my doors and windows slam shut and my heart turns the music up really loud.

There’s nothing like making a serious mistake when you’re 41 to cause you to seriously question whether there’s any hope in hell that you will ever get it right.

Q got me a cool, metal hanging decoration that is just giant letters spelling “breathe.” It’s beautiful.

Monday, October 1, 2007

The one with the helper?

This one is for the girls. You know who you are.

So I have a new babysitter. Okay, let's say it: nanny. She's my son's nanny. But the problem is that my ex is out of work currently (and newly married to a woman who has gajillions of dollars in the bank), and he wants to be with our little guy after he gets home from school. I would, too. The thing is, he is the one who initiated this whole babysitter thing. I enrolled our son in an after-school program two years ago that my ex vetoed ("no son of mine...") and it's been my job to keep a babysitter in place since then.

Okay, that's neither here nor there, really, because the net-net is that I have a lovely Austrian girl named Christina who I hired for 20 hours a week and I really only need her to watch my son for about eight of those hours. She's kindly agreed to take Fridays off (unpaid) until my ex gets a job and she is needed all five days. But that still leaves a LOT of hours to fill. So, she helps me. She cleans, she shops, she does errands. It's great. I am getting very spoiled. However, there is a bit of a language barrier. She and I spend a lot of time on the phone, with me explaining to her things like what "detergent" is and what Drano and Liquid Plumb'r are, and what "clogged" means. These conversations are sometimes hilarious.

So last week, off she goes to the grocery store with my list. Before shopping, she goes through the list with me on the phone so I can explain any items that are not straightforward. At the bottom of my list are tampons. It says "tampons-regular-unscented." First, she asks what "un-skented" means. We get through that quickly -- I say "no perfume." Then she says "Do you want the kind with the helper or the short one?"

My oh-so-clever buddy Kerri sent this: